"Cancer doesn't define me as a person. I can't/won't/don't let it." *insert potentially condescending/smarmy tone here which get directed at me on occasion because of my stupidly realistic commentary/perspective/bitchitude about cancer*
(I'm such a bitch, I laugh myself silly whenever I read that shit.)
Of course it doesn't define you as a person. Of course you can't/won't/don't let it.
And to that, I say horse shit; piles and piles and piles of it.
Once you've had it, that's it. It's part of your fucking medical history. It's part of your life because once you've had it, you're not home free, woo fucking hoo, life goes back to normal. If you've had it and then had related surgery, it can be disfiguring, in some cases, like in mine.
Once you've had it, it's like an axe is literally waiting to drop on your neck afterward, Idgaf what kind you've had or when. There are lasting effects that are just waiting to attack in some manner or another because of chemo and/or radiation, neither are a walk in the fucking park, people. (Fortunately, I was a stubborn bitch who kept refusing radiation. At my last chemo, the oncologist "agreed" with me that I didn't need radiation after all. I have shitty heart genes on both sides of my family. The chemo I had was super cardio-toxic. I wasn't willing to roll the dice and "hope for the best" by just accepting the radiation road. Fuck that.)
You can't just go back to normal, there is no get the fuck over it and move on. There are still tons of doctor's appointments, scans, appointments for scans, have to be monitored to make sure the cancer doesn't come back, and for those who don't get their chemo port pulled, appointments to have that flushed ever so often. (For me, I have ugly ass scars staring me in the face.)
I got my port pulled as soon as it could be arranged once I found out the current oncologist who said it was up to me regarding getting it pulled. He said he'd seen some women get theirs pulled the day after their last chemo, and other women who kept their ports for years. For me, it was about taking a little piece of my life back. Mentally, I didn't need to feel like control of my life had still been and continued to be ripped away from me by having to keep going back to get the damn thing flushed every eight weeks, supposedly to keep it from clotting or getting infected. Having to do that meant, in my brain, an aspect of cancer was still in control of my life and I really felt like I didn't need that. Is it a pain in the ass getting stuck for something medical related now? Yeah, it is, since my veins are small, and they roll, and chemo fucked them up, not to mention the whole lymphedema issue. But at least I don't have that horrible port staring me in the face. I just have the ugly ass scars now.
"Cancer doesn't "define" me as a person." Some of you are still sitting out there saying it and your mentality toward me about my bitchitude is pissy, but you don't want to admit that.
Of course not it's not defining you since in spite of the fact that you're wearing a shit ton of "awareness" bracelets/jewelry, etc., your wardrobe consists of a shit ton of various pink ribbon and/or awareness shirts and you're prancing around with a fucking pink ribbon inked on you. No, that doesn't define you at all. To me, it just...well, defines you because you're advertising it, for lack of a better way to put it. If that shit works for you, then that's great. But don't fucking say that cancer doesn't "define you" and try to tell me that like you've got your shit together about it you when it really does define you and you've proven it does by your choice of ink, jewelry, and clothing. Go take a look. No, really. Please do go look. I'm the one walking around in black tee shirts and shirts with other assorted logo related things on them that are NOT cancer related. In other words, the only advertising I'm doing about cancer is by going flat, and not wearing pinkwashing stuff.
If I could go get ink right now (and I'm not able to because of the stupid blood thinner stuff I'm on), it wouldn't be someone else's pink ribbon. That was for SGK. I'm me and because I love horses, I'd get something horse related. JS.
But just because I'm not going along with shit like keeping the fucking port, prancing around with pink ribbon shit, or letting my entire wardrobe revolve around the pink ribbon and "awareness" shit, doesn't mean I'm letting it "define" me. It just means that I'm me and I refuse to go along with what everyone else is doing because I'm an unconventional non-conformist. So because I don't, people say I let cancer define me, although I'm obviously not doing so at all.
But...to those of you who say that sort of thing to me, you might want to think again before saying it because...well, just saying. Do us both a favor and rethink it.
(I'm such a bitch, I laugh myself silly whenever I read that shit.)
Of course it doesn't define you as a person. Of course you can't/won't/don't let it.
And to that, I say horse shit; piles and piles and piles of it.
Once you've had it, that's it. It's part of your fucking medical history. It's part of your life because once you've had it, you're not home free, woo fucking hoo, life goes back to normal. If you've had it and then had related surgery, it can be disfiguring, in some cases, like in mine.
Once you've had it, it's like an axe is literally waiting to drop on your neck afterward, Idgaf what kind you've had or when. There are lasting effects that are just waiting to attack in some manner or another because of chemo and/or radiation, neither are a walk in the fucking park, people. (Fortunately, I was a stubborn bitch who kept refusing radiation. At my last chemo, the oncologist "agreed" with me that I didn't need radiation after all. I have shitty heart genes on both sides of my family. The chemo I had was super cardio-toxic. I wasn't willing to roll the dice and "hope for the best" by just accepting the radiation road. Fuck that.)
You can't just go back to normal, there is no get the fuck over it and move on. There are still tons of doctor's appointments, scans, appointments for scans, have to be monitored to make sure the cancer doesn't come back, and for those who don't get their chemo port pulled, appointments to have that flushed ever so often. (For me, I have ugly ass scars staring me in the face.)
I got my port pulled as soon as it could be arranged once I found out the current oncologist who said it was up to me regarding getting it pulled. He said he'd seen some women get theirs pulled the day after their last chemo, and other women who kept their ports for years. For me, it was about taking a little piece of my life back. Mentally, I didn't need to feel like control of my life had still been and continued to be ripped away from me by having to keep going back to get the damn thing flushed every eight weeks, supposedly to keep it from clotting or getting infected. Having to do that meant, in my brain, an aspect of cancer was still in control of my life and I really felt like I didn't need that. Is it a pain in the ass getting stuck for something medical related now? Yeah, it is, since my veins are small, and they roll, and chemo fucked them up, not to mention the whole lymphedema issue. But at least I don't have that horrible port staring me in the face. I just have the ugly ass scars now.
"Cancer doesn't "define" me as a person." Some of you are still sitting out there saying it and your mentality toward me about my bitchitude is pissy, but you don't want to admit that.
Of course not it's not defining you since in spite of the fact that you're wearing a shit ton of "awareness" bracelets/jewelry, etc., your wardrobe consists of a shit ton of various pink ribbon and/or awareness shirts and you're prancing around with a fucking pink ribbon inked on you. No, that doesn't define you at all. To me, it just...well, defines you because you're advertising it, for lack of a better way to put it. If that shit works for you, then that's great. But don't fucking say that cancer doesn't "define you" and try to tell me that like you've got your shit together about it you when it really does define you and you've proven it does by your choice of ink, jewelry, and clothing. Go take a look. No, really. Please do go look. I'm the one walking around in black tee shirts and shirts with other assorted logo related things on them that are NOT cancer related. In other words, the only advertising I'm doing about cancer is by going flat, and not wearing pinkwashing stuff.
If I could go get ink right now (and I'm not able to because of the stupid blood thinner stuff I'm on), it wouldn't be someone else's pink ribbon. That was for SGK. I'm me and because I love horses, I'd get something horse related. JS.
But just because I'm not going along with shit like keeping the fucking port, prancing around with pink ribbon shit, or letting my entire wardrobe revolve around the pink ribbon and "awareness" shit, doesn't mean I'm letting it "define" me. It just means that I'm me and I refuse to go along with what everyone else is doing because I'm an unconventional non-conformist. So because I don't, people say I let cancer define me, although I'm obviously not doing so at all.
But...to those of you who say that sort of thing to me, you might want to think again before saying it because...well, just saying. Do us both a favor and rethink it.
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