Someone thinks I'm angry.

Indeed, yes, they do.

I am angry.  Damn fucking angry.

Why, you ask.

I'm angry at how I was treated when I was an oncology patient.  I'm angry that fucking doctors lied to my face, lied to my husband, deliberately misled and lied by omission by knowingly and intentionally keeping information from me and my husband so I/we could make truly informed consent decisions regarding my health, this includes the fucking bitch known as lymphedema.  I'm angry about the sexualization, trivialization, and trendy-ization of the disease known as breast cancer.  And...no, I don't keep quiet about any of it.

Periodically, this person tells me that they find my anger disturbing and upsetting and that I should be on anti-depressants. I've politely attempted to explain that I'm not depressed.  I'm angry.  (There is a huge fucking difference.)

I've attempted to politely explain that because I'm not willing to keep quiet about any of this, I don't pink wash, glitter, or ribbon any of this shit, that I'm speaking up for other people who are either too afraid to speak up, don't realize they can, or are encouraged to finally speak up, or decide they can speak up and verbalize their anger, frustration, etc.  Some already were speaking up, others hadn't, others will.  I AM giving a voice to those who cannot or will not speak up for fear of condemnation and harassment of others who are (grossly mistakenly) mired in the the grossly mistaken belief that cancer patients should be fucking happy, happy, happy all the fucking time.  It is a gross disservice to us as people and dehumanizes us by expecting impossibly "perfect" behavior of us.  So, if you are or have been doing this, please fucking put an end to it.

There's a game I play on fakebook and I decided to say that pinkwashing causes October to be the worst month ever and that I hate pink.  My user pic for the entire month was a pic of my upper chest, scars from a bilateral mastectomy because that's what I was told would "cure" me.  (Well, that turned out to be a lie.  I'll never technically be considered "cured" but as long as I don't need "active treatment" then yay for that.)  That picture of the vile scars on my upper chest is what breast cancer truly is as a reality, not pink ribbons.  I politely asked that people refrain from posting reminders about anything pink because the color doesn't do anything for anyone dealing with any kind of cancer.  I also stated if that bothered anyone, they could block me and I wouldn't be offended.  (Yes, I genuinely meant that because some people get into an absolute bitch snit fit when I say I hate pink ribbons.)  With a thank you, I also said people were welcome to do a search on fakebook for the Flat & Fabulous group if they happened to be a flattie or uni since lots of women don't get recon done.

I'll leave you with some things people have said to me because of my bitchitude (bitchy attitude).  (Names omitted to respect the privacy of these people who were kind enough to tell me what they felt was important to say.)

"I was a nurse.  I was a good nurse, I cared about my patients.  I fucking hate what this disease has ripped away from me and continues ripping away from me.  Please keep saying what you've been saying so maybe someone will understand better what this horrible disease does to people."

"I hate October.  All it does is remind me I had cancer and my mastectomy."

"The pinkwash is so in your face.  Blatantly so and this is something I need no reminder of.  I hate it now."

"I went through the same thing you did, so I know how you feel."

"I agree with your pink rant.  Selling pink things does not help prevent breast cancer.  There aren't even any answers about what actually causes it."

"May I share your perspective on pinkness?  You are very brave to speak up.  I have not had breast cancer, but a family member has and she feels the same way you do."

"Your perspective makes perfect sense to me, so I'm glad you've shared your thoughts."

"I couldn't agree with you more about the pink.  Thank you for having the courage to say what I've been thinking for years now."

"I agree with you completely!"

"A family member had a mastectomy years ago, with chemo, then chemo again.  I don't like pink, either."

"Big hugs to you!  I've had a bilateral mastectomy with no recon or implants.  I like pink, but I'd like to see cancer eliminated because the cures are as bad as the disease.  You aren't alone!"

"Pink doesn't do anything for me, either.  I am a breast cancer survivor.  A mammogram missed the cancer I had, it was only through the SBE that I found mine and insisted on follow up care."

"I agree with you about the ribbons for any kind of cancer.  A family member had cancer and action is what is needed.  I don't have any emotional attachment to pink, but I understand.  Huge hugs to you."

"I agree with you, I don't think pink ribbons help.  More direct action should be preferred like educating women about SBEs and their breast health overall."

"So sorry you had to endure that.  You are very transparent and brave to put up your photo for people to see."

"Keep telling people!  It's the truth!  Isn't it funny how the media won't allow opinions like yours to be shared with the general public?  That tells you something, doesn't it?  Glad you're not allowing yourself to be silenced and I hope you're cancer free forever!  Hugs!"

"Thank you for highlighting the unglamorous side of this disease, the side that sufferers have to put up with.  I commend you and send you hugs."

"Your commentary about pink is very insightful.  I'm also a cancer survivor, but not of breast cancer.  At first, I tried to be supportive and raise money, then I started doing research into what happens to the millions of dollars that people raise.  After a huge percentage of administrative costs, it all goes to feed a corrupt big pharma industry that will not support and will even suppress treatments that don't generate profits for them.  It's all about money and not saving lives or relieving suffering.  We need to take matters into our own hands by trying to be healthier with organic products, refusing GMO products that can make us sick, etc.  I hope you are cancer free.  I have been for three years.  Bless you."

"You deserve thanks for writing what you do.  It shows extreme courage!  Hopefully your firsthand knowledge will help open a few people's minds!"

"It's always such a relief to know I'm not the only one who refuses to buy into the cutesy crap on sale everywhere that doesn't do anything to help men and women suffering from breast cancer.  The big pharma industry has no interest is seeing an actual cure because their profits would decrease and we all know they don't want to lose any money."

"My best friend died from breast cancer and she didn't like pink.  Hugs."

"Your post caught my attention.  I have a friend with breast cancer and she'd asked me not to buy into all the pink stuff on her behalf.  She's asked that we donate to MBC.  Stay strong!"

"I read your post and I applaud your candor and your courage.  Thank you for your honesty."

"I feel the same way.  I cared for family members who died from cancer and there was no support for me.  I think you're brilliant.  Stay strong.  Hugs."

"You are a true trooper and I'm glad you're my friend.  I lost a sister to cancer.  Be strong."

"Hi.  I wanted to leave you a message and let you know I love what you have to say and that you're not alone in how you feel."

So, let's tally that up.  One person who thinks I have a shitty attitude and...twenty-seven who agree with me and believe in what I'm saying.  I think I'll take that twenty-seven over that one any day of the week.

Kinesio taping is good, I think.

Self-explanatory post title.

Secondary lymph-fucking-edema.  It's the vile thing that keeps on giving, because of breast cancer surgery. Uncontrollable and un-triggered random arm swelling, pain, numbness, severe surgery caused nerve damage, and neuropathy from chemo are all constant in any combination or at any given time, although the chemo induced neuropathy seems to affect my feet worse than my arms.  I have sleeves I wear, which do help with some of it and then Streak (the neighbor) has kinesio taped me for it just so we could see if that would actually help or not.  The first time she taped my arms, the swelling in both arms went down by an inch in each arm in twelve hours.  The compression sleeves are medical grade and supportive, but the kinesio taping flat out stops the pain, so I really like being taped, although I can't wear the tape constantly.  And I refuse to eat painkillers for this shit, so constant pain is something I have to live with, unfortunately.  I also have two sports grade compression shirts I wear which do help somewhat, as do the sleeves, which are something different.  The kinesio taping seems to help the most, though.  I'm debating on informing the consult person who will be taking notes on me ahead of my surgery that I will be taped for my comfort and that said tape better not be fucking removed.  It's for my comfort.

Breast cancer wrecked my life, my health, my emotions, and my thought processes.  I cannot ever say enough shitty things about it or the fact that in thirty years, there's not a cure for any of it.  I don't care who you are or what you were diagnosed with, what was done to you to "cure" you and what is done to "monitor" you are all things that have more than sufficient health risks so that anything questionable that happens to your health now, you better wonder about how/why it happened.  After all, money can't be made "fighting" breast cancer (or any other kind) if there is any "success" with "curing" it.

Did I mention this little gem?  http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/257008  Because, you know, zero "medicinal" value, right?  It's the closest possible thing there could be for a cure and yet it seems like damn near everything possible is done to keep it away from people.

Evidently, the HER2+ breast cancer I was diagnosed with back in 2011 was inexplicable, and so is this aneurysm.  I know what's going to happen.  I'll be taking this blood thinner for the six months I was told I'd need to take it because of this stent and coiling aneurysm fix.  Fine.  I'm willing to bet there will be another reason "found" that I'll suddenly "need" to remain on it.  The blood pressure medication, I get it.  Blood pressure issues aren't generally reversible.  The aneurysm fix is supposedly a "fix it and forget it" option. We'll see how that goes.

On to the cats.

Apparently, The Fat One (Sweetie) cat only drools when she purrs.  Why this is, I do not know.

The Fat One (because Sweetie is fuzzy and looks fat even though she's really not fat) and The Smooky One (because Boo is all black and "spooky looking, hence the Smooky word) are what the darlings across the street who belong to Streak and Mr. Streak. (They, (Streak and her family) happen to have a dog named Sparkle who I dog sit for on occasion.))

The Smooky One (Boo) can purr, does purr on occasion, but he doesn't realize he's supposed to do this very often because he is too busy chasing balls around.
Sweetie is also called The Fuzzy Manatee by the males of the family. I've taken to calling Boo by the name Goblin Cat since he likes to reach under doors like a goblin would.

Good news is, ground breaking on the house build is slightly less than a month from now. (No, I haven't posted about that. I wanted to wait until I knew things would be lined out and closer to ground breaking before I said anything.

Bad news is hospitals are for sick people and I am not sick, but I have won a not all expense paid stainless steel stent, multiple platinum coil repair to a stupid aneurysm in my neck Wednesday morning. Supposedly this is the fix it and forget it version of repair. The worst news is, I am going to be stuck in ICU at the pleasure of my doctor and however long he decides I should remain in there. I will likely go batshit crazy. No phone allowed, no laptop, and likely no internet access. I am wondering if he will take peanut butter cookies as a bribe to let me come home.

Sink the "Think Pink" Shit, or Why Pink Stinks.

To anyone who has an issue with how negative I am about the pink washing going on during this month and how happy I am to pink bash and why I say Pink Stinks, here's a few links to explain it. Please take the time it takes to drink a glass of tea, a cup of coffee, or a soda and have a read.

http://getupswinging.com/

http://regrounding.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/over-the-line-repost

http://tellingknots.wordpress.com/2013/10/03/pinktober

http://www.awesomecancersurvivor.com/2012/10/lawsuits-for-the-cure-from-the-archives.html

http://dirtypinkunderbelly.blogspot.ca/2013/09/bracing.html

http://www.artofbreastcancer.ca/fifty-shades-of-pink-the-rant

http://dglassme.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/what-breast-cancer-awareness-should-mean

http://cancerinmythirties.wordpress.com/2012/10/13/national-no-bra-day-and-breast-cancer-awareness-month-or-please-put-that-pink-can-of-soup-down-put-your-bra-back-on

Regarding the vile not wearing a bra in "support" of breast cancer, here's my thoughts on that one.  Does that mean I'm supporting breast cancer or not supporting it since I no longer wear a bra because I have no breasts, no thanks to a shitty bilateral mastectomy?  That's fucking ridiculous and I hope whoever came up with this fuckdiculous shit gets a real wake up call. 

This is not sexy or fun or cutesy and I will call people on that shit who think it's great.  Does that make me a bitch?  Yeah.  

Do I fucking care?  No.

  

I'm anti-pink. If you have an opportunity, take a look at any of the above links and then maybe you'll understand why the pept-wash is so vile to so many people who have had breast cancer. Please do feel free to share the linkage, if you like.

And people don't want to believe me when I say cancer is a multi-billion dollar a year INDUSTRY based on not finding "cures/causes" but keeping people on these meds? If only there were more decent people like these men who are finally standing up and saying something.  It's about damn time.  One of these days, I'll do the math on that and show you people exactly what I mean when I say it's a profit driven industry.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-cost-of-cancer-drugs/

Just think, there's still half the month to go.  

Today is--

Today is...making laundry soap and fabric softener day.

Today is...trying to figure out why the ever loving fuck all I have 86 followers on my personal ink folder on pinterest when I created that particular folder less than a week ago.

Today is...trying to get the laundry all caught up for the rest of the week.

Today is...trying to get an answer from someone about rescheduled football games and if I'm going to be working selling tickets for them.

Today is...working on food prep for the rest of the week, unless B decides to do that.

Today is...telling you people I have done the math. 25 years of marriage in December equals 15,600 loads of laundry.

In "honor" of this month.

Breast Cancer

© 2013 by K.Lowry

The scraping scalpel leaves no flesh,

Doctors claim poison and mutilation are best.

I will not be reconstructed

Just because my breasts are busted.

My body is scarred, my health will never heal

Cancer is a lifelong deal.

It nipped, then ripped, and then it ravaged,

Leaving so many of us feeling savaged.

Scraping scalpel, stabbing needles,

Regardless of critics or those who wheedle,

I will not, will not be reconstructed

Just because my breasts are busted.



Who?

K.Lowry

©2013

I stand before a mirror and what I see

Is someone I do not know looking at me.

Averting my gaze, I try to hide from my reflection.

To no avail, it is far from perfection

Who is this person looking at me?

I am her, but she is not me.

Who is that person, why is she there?

Why it is that I just cannot seem to care?

She doesn't know of who I am, nor I of her.

Yet we are the same person, dual in nature.

Holes and punctures, scarred gashes on my chest,

My mind is now never at rest.

No matter how much that person looks at me and is there,

And I wish she was not.

I am her, but she is not me.