Sometimes people say things to me that I cannot imagine what thought in their head made them think that it was a good idea to say some of the things they do. I mean it makes me wonder if the Bad Idea Faerie slammed a Bad Idea into their brains with her bludgeoning little Bad Idea Hammer.
Sometimes when people find out I had cancer, they give me a knowing look and say "Did that make you into a better person?" Like...I don't know, implying I was in need of improvement to begin with? Isn't that slightly insulting to me? I wasn't a good enough wife and mother already? Really? I wouldn't say that to someone, so I'm not certain why people think it's something acceptable to say to someone who has had a life wrecking, devastating illness.
I don't see how having had cancer could be useful, helpful, or cause improvement to my life, much less the rest of my family. It ripped my health and functionality away from me, it stole a year of my life the year I did chemo because I was so damn sick from it, it physically aged me twenty years in the space of that year. It ripped any semblance of normalcy away from not just me, but my family, also. I'm over two years out from my last chemo of a year of that vile poison and coming up on three years from a bilateral mastectomy. I still don't know how to function normally. I still have days where I'm literally plastered to the recliner until lunch because I did too much the day before, but even though mentally I am under the impression I can accomplish whatever needs to be done, physically, I hit a wall and fatigue slams into my body to where I literally cannot function the next day.
How, exactly, does not being able to take care of my husband and sons like I used to make me a "better" person? It fucking doesn't.
Having secondary lymphedema makes me a better person, how, exactly? It doesn't. It's a vile, horrid consequence of having lying doctors who did not fully disclose exactly how damaging what they were doing to me would be, either short term effects or long term damage.
Having to maintain a schedule of doctor's appointments and scans that do horrible things to me for monitoring to make sure the cancer hasn't returned doesn't make me a better person. The stress level those things causes all of us is beyond ridiculous. So few people have any sort of clue the kind of stress that puts my family and me under. I can assure you, it does not "make" me a "better" person.
I was a helpful, considerate person who tried to do things to help other people. Was I perfect? No. Who is? Nobody. Being sick absolutely destroyed any semblance of my old normal and functional self because now I never know how much I can do or should do.
So, if anyone out there is reading and you find yourself talking to someone who has survived the torture of cancer, please don't give them a knowing look like you think they have "everything" all figured out, drop your voice and ask if it made them a better person or tell them they are a hero because you might not get a response you would like to hear and it might involve the F bomb being dropped a few times.
Just saying.
Sometimes when people find out I had cancer, they give me a knowing look and say "Did that make you into a better person?" Like...I don't know, implying I was in need of improvement to begin with? Isn't that slightly insulting to me? I wasn't a good enough wife and mother already? Really? I wouldn't say that to someone, so I'm not certain why people think it's something acceptable to say to someone who has had a life wrecking, devastating illness.
I don't see how having had cancer could be useful, helpful, or cause improvement to my life, much less the rest of my family. It ripped my health and functionality away from me, it stole a year of my life the year I did chemo because I was so damn sick from it, it physically aged me twenty years in the space of that year. It ripped any semblance of normalcy away from not just me, but my family, also. I'm over two years out from my last chemo of a year of that vile poison and coming up on three years from a bilateral mastectomy. I still don't know how to function normally. I still have days where I'm literally plastered to the recliner until lunch because I did too much the day before, but even though mentally I am under the impression I can accomplish whatever needs to be done, physically, I hit a wall and fatigue slams into my body to where I literally cannot function the next day.
How, exactly, does not being able to take care of my husband and sons like I used to make me a "better" person? It fucking doesn't.
Having secondary lymphedema makes me a better person, how, exactly? It doesn't. It's a vile, horrid consequence of having lying doctors who did not fully disclose exactly how damaging what they were doing to me would be, either short term effects or long term damage.
Having to maintain a schedule of doctor's appointments and scans that do horrible things to me for monitoring to make sure the cancer hasn't returned doesn't make me a better person. The stress level those things causes all of us is beyond ridiculous. So few people have any sort of clue the kind of stress that puts my family and me under. I can assure you, it does not "make" me a "better" person.
I was a helpful, considerate person who tried to do things to help other people. Was I perfect? No. Who is? Nobody. Being sick absolutely destroyed any semblance of my old normal and functional self because now I never know how much I can do or should do.
So, if anyone out there is reading and you find yourself talking to someone who has survived the torture of cancer, please don't give them a knowing look like you think they have "everything" all figured out, drop your voice and ask if it made them a better person or tell them they are a hero because you might not get a response you would like to hear and it might involve the F bomb being dropped a few times.
Just saying.
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